Remember that sex is a part of human development, so don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about being curious. (This is also more female-focused but there are tips here that are applicable to every gender).
1. SEX SHOULD BE CONSENSUAL…PERIOD
Choosing to allow someone access to your body is a major decision and shouldn’t be taken lightly. I want you to think about where you learned what sex actually is. Was it a movie, your friends, the internet, or did your parents/guardians have the “birds & bees” talk with you? However you found out, there still are some things you need to think about in order to make the best decision for yourself and the person you are choosing. I don’t want you to have any regrets when it comes to choosing a sexual partner because you felt pressured or nervous and you didn’t know exactly what you were committing too. SEX SHOULD BE CONSENSUAL…I repeat…SEX SHOULD BE CONSENSUAL… Consensual means that both parties are coherent and AGREE to participate in the sexual act. If you don’t agree to any form of sexual contact, then sexual contact is not to take place. You have to be comfortable in any setting because sex with the right person should be enjoyable and a great experience, but only if you are ready. You cannot take back any sexual experience with anyone so you need to make sure you know what you are getting yourself into and wait as long as you possibly can.
2. DON’T USE PORN AS THE STANDARD FOR HOW TO HAVE SEX
I cannot stress this enough…PORN IS NOT REAL SEX! Porn creates unrealistic expectations, therefore, leading to major disappointments. Porn is a form of entertainment and should not be used as your blueprint to learn how to engage in sexual contact. It is filled with “actors” pretending that they are enjoying rough and unrealistic sex. Also, some porn videos are an hour-long before anyone actually gets an orgasm and that is not humanly possible, especially for men. It makes you uncomfortable with your own skillset because you are going to try and mimic what those girls do, from the fake moans, trying to look sexy, to taking rough thrusts that actually hurt and don’t feel very good to those new to sex. I am not telling you that you cannot learn a few tricks from watching porn, but be very leery because they are all pretending and your partner might not enjoy it at all, which again, can lead to disappointments. What you can use porn for is learning what turns you on and what turns you off. If you choose to watch porn, use it to be stimulated and self explores, otherwise skip it altogether if you think it is going to teach you how to have and enjoy realistic sex. IT WON’T!
3. THERE IS STILL A CHANCE YOU COULD CATCH AN STD EVEN WITH PROTECTION
Yes, you read that correctly. A condom does not protect you from all Sexually Transmitted Diseases. There are many STD’s and statistics state that more than half of sexually active people will get one and won’t know because they showed no symptoms. It is so important to know the sexual history of who you want to have sexual contact with because it can affect your sexual health. Since some STDs don’t have symptoms, it is important to visit your healthcare professional to get tested regularly, especially if you have unprotected sex. Condoms used correctly can greatly REDUCE your chances of catching something, but it is not 100% reliable. Condoms are about 98% effective at protecting against STD’s like chlamydia and gonorrhea, but cannot protect you from crabs, herpes, genital warts, and syphilis, which are spread through skin to skin contact. Most STDs can be treated, but some cannot and you don’t want to risk your health for any sexual encounters. You have to take all necessary steps to protect yourself and your body, so in order to access your body, they need to be tested if they are not a virgin. You can also catch herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis B, and HPV through oral sex. DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK YOUR PARTNER FOR THEIR TEST RESULTS!
4. YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT PLEASURES YOU AND HOW TO VOCALIZE IT Have you ever touched yourself in a sexual way, ie masturbation? You might want to think about exploring your body so that you can figure out what you like and what you don’t. If you are not aware of what turns you on and what turns you off, you are less likely to speak up when you are with someone who wants to engage sexually with you. I am not encouraging you to become a chronic masturbator, but I am saying that you should know what you like so you can let your partner know. If you are like me, I was very quiet and just kind of went along with whatever my partner wanted because I didn’t know how to express that I liked this, but didn’t want that, so sometimes I was left feeling dissatisfied and wishing that I had spoken up. You have to be able to express yourself without tearing your partner down. Nothing is worse than a partner who is self-conscious about their performance, so if you are planning on engaging in sex with someone, you have to let them know what you liked and didn’t. If this person has had sex before, they will do what they did with their previous partner and you might not want those things done to you or you might enjoy them. If you cannot speak up in a respectful way, then you probably are not quite ready to engage in any type of sexual activity. 5. THE GOAL OF A SEXUAL HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS TO GET AN ORGASM Do you know what an orgasm is? What it feels like? If not, then you need to go back to step 4 and figure it out through self-exploration. If you are not in a healthy relationship, then I would advise you against engaging in any type of sexual activity right now. When you are in a healthy relationship, the goal is to make sure your partner reaches their peak, which is an orgasm. You have to be willing to please your partner in the way they want and they have to be able to do the same for you. If any of this is freaking you out, you definitely are NOT ready to engage in sex and that is okay, nobody should be pressuring you or making you feel like you should. There are different types of orgasms you can feel, but the most common ones are clitoral and vaginal. The “G-Spot” is inside of your vagina, whereas the clitoris is on the outside (use Google to see), so your partner should be focused on pleasing those two areas through oral and/or vaginal intercourse. Sex isn’t all about one person, it is about the both of you and that is why I don’t want you using porn as a guide because we aren’t ever quite sure when the girls get an orgasm because of all of the unrealistic noises made during the entire session. Don’t ever let someone use your body for their pleasure without you getting pleased as well. Bonus: THERE ARE A VARIETY OF WAYS TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES Sex isn’t one dimensional and there isn’t one way to do this. There is oral sex, which is when you put your partners' penis/vagina in your mouth, anal, which is your booty hole being penetrated, and vaginal, which is when your vagina is penetrated. There are way too many positions to list, but the most common is missionary which is face to face typically with the male on top. Like I told you before, you should be 100% comfortable before engaging in any sexual act. You DO NOT have to do oral sex if you don’t want too and you should be with someone who understands and is okay with your preferences because they care about #5…PLEASING YOU TOO!!! There are books that you can read such as Kama Sutra to learn about the different ways to engage, but please understand that sex is powerful and isn’t something you just do to say you did it. You shouldn’t just give anybody access to your most precious gift and that is your body. You are special, you are valuable, and you are worthy. Once you realize and truly believe this, you will be picky about who you choose to give yourself too. I know all about getting caught up in the moment, but try to really give some thought to who you are even around to get caught up in the first place. If done right, sex really can be great, but there is NO REASON TO RUSH.
Cambreisha Montgomery
Creator of Glow Girls
"Not Your Mother's Advice"
Text (323)705-GLOW
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